As a disclaimer, I am quite aware my blog has fallen to the wayside of recent. Of course, I’d love to rectify it, but let’s be honest, there are other important things that are detracting from it. I’m becoming okay (sorta, kinda, maybe) with the rhythms that are right for me now, which are different than the ones when I began this blog, and will be different in another year. But I would love to spend more time here. Anyway, let’s move on…

Recently I’ve been trying to take a harder look at myself. Self-reflection: truly, deeply, and at times, painfully.  And for the first time in a while, it’s been self-reflection with the hope and desire to change. See, I’ve noticed some things in my self that I haven’t particularly been proud of. Bitterness, anger, judgment, to name a few. And I’m not impressed.

Instead of the casual, “I know myself” and “I’m self-aware” speak that I’ve been accustomed to saying, I’m ready to know myself and want to be different, or at least, better. Because I’m learning, yes now, I’m learning that there’s a difference between those two things. And you can have either without the other.

So I’m seeing in myself a lack of grace. Blurring lines between was is true and what is right. That space between what is certain and just, and the love and acceptance that transcends all of what we deserve, that’s the space I’m lost in. Spinning around like a dog chasing his tail, too focused on what I want and what I think to see the field in front of my eyes.

All this to say, I’m learning about myself because I need to. I don’t want to be the person who becomes more bitter or cynical or negative with age. I want to be the woman whose character is more like an aura– radiating and full.

But for now, I’m gonna go play with the corgi in my kitchen and drink a glass of wine. Because sometimes learning grace means first learning you just don’t got it all.

wendell at the pond

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