I feel like I’m waking from a ten day, virus induced nap. Hello, again to my home and friends and chores and emails.
I am also awaking to this season. And putting words to this place that I’m in. It wasn’t until I was skiing last weekend (which, I’ll admit, was not the wisest decision I have ever made), and I pulled onto the slope out of the pines, and turned to the arresting views, that I began to see. Brown, knotted hills blanketed in white. Treetops frosted and woven in snow. The blue from the sky so stark, so brazen.
And there I was, on the side of this hill, with tears welling.
How was my heart so starved for this beauty?
I felt so startlingly awake, and strong, and there. It’s at times like this when I feel clairvoyant. I can actually see my life for what it is. And this funk I’ve been feeling, this apathy, this holistic lack of motivation, this languorous sickness and malaise, needed to be recognized. I needed to triumph over it.
Honestly, February is hard. January is hard. These months aren’t easy. I do love winter and the rituals it brings, but I forget that it still affects me. Deeply affects me. Putting words to it, looking it straight in the eye, though, has helped.
It’s also helped that we had two 60 degree days this week. So maybe I didn’t get there on my own. But I’ll wait for the renewal Spring brings. I’ll wait for the long days and the warm air. But for now, I’m taking these days back.