Sometimes I feel like there’s this misconception about me– or you or anyone really. The idea is that we have arrived. It’s something I’ve heard before of me and of others– “How did you do it?” And “How does it feel now that you’ve accomplished this thing?”

I just worked.

And it feels the same.

Here’s the thing, whether your craft is writing or building relationships or hosting dinners or taking photographs, there is no moment where we kick up our feet, dust off our hands, and say, that was a great accomplishment. I can be done now. That’s just not how it works when you’ve got this thing in you that must be refined and reworked and shaped and shared and repeated. Athletes play until their bodies don’t let them anymore. Writers write until they lose them selves or their minds.

I barely remember any “release dates.” What I remember is the process because that’s where the meaning is for me. I remember tears and anguish, and I remember inspiration and dizzy typing. Getting published just seems like a, oh that’s nice that this wasn’t entirely for myself. Or the occasional, hooray I can feed myself today!

I say this now because, one, I don’t want anyone to have misconceptions about me. And two, because I’m feeling restless and I want to be honest about this life I lead. I’m restless for understanding what all this writing is for. I’m restless for understanding my platform and my audience and my future. There is no arrival here yet, I assure you.

And now I’m turning this page back to you: did you ever feel like you arrived? Do you feel restless with your call? Tell me I’m not just a crazy-lady. Or tell me I am. It’s cool and I won’t be offended.

[Soundtrack for the post: U2 ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’]

  • Casey

    We have talked about this before but the worst word to use in the business of working for yourself is “lucky.” We are lucky to scratch a $10 lottery card, we are never lucky when we bust our ass and accomplish goals we worked hard for. Professional goals are all just a mirage and seemingly a carrot on a stick; there is always something else. Thanks for sharing this post.

    February 24th, 2014 7:20
  • marissa hermanson

    I feel this 100 percent. Right on!

    March 3rd, 2014 22:01
  • w.b.

    “I am a pilgrim, but my pilgrimage has been wandering and unmarked. Often what has looked like a straight line to me has been a circling or a doubling back[…]Often I have not known where I was going until I was already there. I have had my share of desires and goals, but my life has come to me or I have gone to it mainly by way of mistakes and surprises. Often I have received better than I deserved. Often my fairest hopes have rested on bad mistakes. I am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. And yet for a long time, looking back, I have been unable to shake off the feeling that I have been led – make of that what you will.” – Jayber Crow

    April 7th, 2014 21:15
  • Rhianna May

    I’m very glad I clicked on the link to your blog this evening! I’ve been doing some lazy reading, and it seems that whatever place you’re at is very similar to how I’ve been feeling lately. I’m just starting out but it’s a constant dialogue with myself and with other creatives about challenging myself and my craft, about collaborating and questioning and just kind of hoping that somewhere along the way somebody else gains something from all of it.

    It is a blessing though I think, to be able to constantly work away at doing what one loves (even if occasionally we have to remind ourselves why we love it!)

    Anyway, that’s my random little interjection! Thanks for sharing :)

    April 13th, 2014 9:38

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